The Calendar
by NekoChanSenpai
Summary: Funds are low for the unit, so Craigen gets some interesting ideas to raise money. Contains some light shipping and some OOC goodness, but I think you'll like it. I did kinda cheat with one of the details, but I won't tell you which one because it's an easter egg. Hope you enjoy! Please leave me some of that sweet sweet feedback!


**The Calendar**

It was a strange time on the unit. Budget was low and funding was bleak. Craigen knew it was time to get creative or start cutting down on important expenses, like coffee. Not wanting his detectives to start a riot, he decided it was time for some fund raisers.

Craigen called Stabler into his office.

"Yeah, Captain?"

"Quick question: Does Kathy bake?"

"Uh, sometimes, why?"

"We're low on funds. I'm going down the list of every fund-raising thing we can do."

"And you think a bake sale is gonna get us out of the red?"

"The bake sale is the bonus. You get Kathy to bake and sell as much as she can while the unit is doing something bigger."

"What about our actual jobs?"

"Look, I'm gonna discuss everything with everyone else later, and I'm gonna talk about that."

Just as promised, Craigen gathered everyone together and told them his plan.

"You'll be coming in on your days off to pitch in. Any questions?"

After some groans all around, Olivia asked, "What will we be doing?"

"Well," Craigen said, "since it's summer, the first thing on the list is a car wash. We'll do it in the parking lot this Saturday."

Saturday came, and the detectives came into the precinct to change into something car-washy. Olivia, who took the longest, came out of the locker room in shorts and a tank top with her hair pulled back in a ponytail. She saw the guys standing together and laughed.

"Did I miss the uniform memo?"

The guys were all wearing jeans and white T-shirts. They looked like grown-up high school kids. You had the cool, popular guy; the guy nobody fucks with; and the guy who gets beat up for his smart mouth. Olivia told them this, then turned to munch and said, "Munch, I didn't think you owned clothes like those."

"I'm the cool, popular guy?" Stabler asked.

"No, I am," Munch said, "You're the guy who gets beat up for your smart mouth."

Then Craigen walked in, wearing the same brown suit he'd been wearing for years.

"Do I want to know why you three look like you're in a fifties prison movie?"

"Probably not."

"Munch, you don't wear jeans, when did you get those?"

"It might have been the eighties?"

Craigen sighed.

"Alright, everybody to the parking lot. We got money to make."

They headed outside, where a station wagon was already waiting. Olivia waived to the driver. The window lowered, and a balding man with a porno moustache asked how much. Olivia called to Craigen.

"Captain! How much?"

"$25!"

"$25, sir."

"Alright, hop to it, pretty lady."

The window rolled back up, and Olivia called Fin over to get started. Fin got to work while Olivia handed the cash over to Craigen. Then a Beetle rolled in.

"Liv!" Craigen called, "$20!"

Olivia handled the money and put Munch to work on the car.

Next was a truck, Stabler's turn. The driver got out of the truck to watch him work. Kathy, who was manning the goodie table, glared jealously as the driver hooted and catcalled.

Fin and Munch finished up almost at the same time, then waited for the next customer. A hipster came in on a sports bike and leaned it against the brick wall.

"Hey. I'm just here for the baked stuff. Whatcha got?"

Kathy convinced him her pies were gourmet and sold him two for $50 each.

About five cars later, a Cadillac pulled in and Stabler called dibs. He pulled his wet shirt off and flung it behind Kathy's table. Some of the women at the table catcalled and wolf-whistled. One particularly bold woman stuck a five in the waist of his jeans. Craigen quietly stole it a moment later when nobody was looking.

Munch and Fin looked at each other, shrugged, then decided they didn't want to wear wet, heavy shirts either.

"What the hell."

They took their shirts off. Suddenly, everyone was looking at Munch. Craigen sighed.

"Munch, put your shirt back on."

"What gives? Because I'm not Mister Chippendale over there?"

"You look fine, it's just, for God's sake, cover up that tattoo."

"Elliot has tattoos."

"Elliot has _Marine_ tattoos. _Normal_ tattoos. Elliot does not have a pot leaf on his abdomen. You do. Now cover it up."

Munch grumbled something about censorship and body-shaming, but put his shirt back on.

At the end of the day, Craigen counted up over $2,000, mostly from Kathy's "gourmet" sweets.

The next gig the unit did was a talent show/karaoke night. They sold tickets for $20 a pop and held auditions for the talent show half of the evening one Sunday. A week later, the show was held.

Craigen was taking money at the door and keeping an eye on Kathy, so Munch was made the MC for the night. He told a few jokes, then introduced Dr. Huang, who read out some of his fanfiction about Munch and Fin.

After he read, Munch took the stage and said, "Remind me to kill you, George."

Then he introduced Stabler, who just broke five chairs onstage, then stormed off, screaming about this fucking pedophile he was interrogating five minutes ago.

Munch smoothed things over with the audience, then introduced a man named Hector, who had auditioned. Hector performed a heart-wrenching monologue from Notre-Dame de Paris, in its original French, effectively ending the talent show half of the evening. Which was good, because they had run out of talent. On to the karaoke!

Olivia sang first, belting out an Elton John song. Then Fin came up and sang "New Jack Hustler" and "Original Gangster" before Stabler got up and drunkenly warbled some Elvis. Dr. Huang and Olivia sang a duet next, something from a musical. Then the audience started to come up and sing. Some sang ABBA, others sang Eminem, and Munch came up now and then to sing something by the Rolling Stones.

The next week, Craigen called everyone together in the squad room. It was nearing the end of summer, which meant the weather was just right for the next project.

"A _calendar_?"

Craigen was puffing on a cigar and wearing a garish purple suit with a matching hat.

"A weekly calendar. More pictures that way. We start now, we'll have seasonally appropriate weather for photo shoots. We should be done by late November."

"Is this gonna be a _sexy_ calendar?" Olivia asked.

" _Tastefully_ sexy, yes. We want it to sell, but we're not making porn, here."

"You're talkin' pin-ups," Fin said.

"More or less."

The first photo shoot was at the beach, for summer. Craigen ordered everyone special swimsuits. They gathered around the box at the precinct while Craigen handed them out.

"This isn't so bad," Olivia said, holding up her one-piece suit. It was navy and said "Special Victims Unit" across the chest.

"No," Stabler said, holding up a navy Speedo, "No, no, no, no, no."

Munch and Fin looked nervously at Craigen until he handed them each a pair of trunks. Stabler got upset.

"Why am I the only one who has to wear one of these?"

"Because you're the Chippendale. Now everybody get changed."

At the beach, Craigen instructed the detectives while they posed. He got a few candid shots of Stabler before he went waist-deep into the water and refused to get out. Olivia found a big seashell and listened to it, then held it out for Fin and Munch to listen to, providing Craigen with a few good shots.

The next shoot was at the park. Correction: the detectives were on a case at the park, and Craigen tagged along with his camera.

"Captain, we're trying to work," Olivia said, "You're worse than the Ledger."

When the weather got cooler, Craigen set up shoots for spring and autumn. Spring first, meaning spring holidays before the leaves started to turn. Craigen convinced Stabler to have Kathy pose for Mother's Day with all their kids. For Easter, Craigen made Olivia pose in a bunny-girl outfit.

"Seriously, Don?" she said, wobbling out of the locker room in her stilettos.

Craigen was wearing his pimp suit again, now with gold chains. He handed Olivia a giant Easter egg and told her to get in the huge basket he had set up for the shoot. She glared at him.

"Yes, Daddy."

Olivia got in the basket and did a number of poses for the camera. Then she saw Stabler walk past in a cheap green suit and laughed.

"St. Patrick's Day, El?"

"Yep. We are just doing every cliché in the book, aren't we?"

When the leaves started to change, Craigen took pictures for autumn, football season, and Halloween. Olivia made him promise not to do a schoolgirl shoot for September. Instead, he made her dress up as a teacher and made Stabler dress up as a schoolboy.

Munch took Fin aside and said, "You know, they seem to be getting the majority of the calendar to themselves."

"Yeah," said Fin, "So?"

"So, I'm a little insulted. I mean, we're just as sexy as they are, right?"

"Um, no? John, this ain't you. What's goin' on?"

"I don't know. On the one hand, at least my dignity's intact, but on the other hand, they look like they're having a lot of fun."

"And on the other hand," Craigen said, coming up behind them, "you two are supposed to be doing paperwork right now before I put the both of you in cheerleader uniforms instead of what I really have planned."

Munch and Fin quickly got to their paperwork while Craigen finished up with Olivia and Stabler. Then they took over the paperwork while Munch and Fin looked through a box of costumes for the Halloween shoot. Fin picked out a vampire costume pretty quickly. When he got back from the locker room, Munch was still searching.

"Man, why are you so picky?" Fin asked.

"I'm not picky," Munch replied, "Nothing's in my size."

"Liar. I saw lots of stuff that would fit you. Just nothing scary."

"All those are _women's_ costumes!"

"Nuh-uh. I saw a Frank N Furter costume in there."

"Not a chance."

"John, if you don't hurry up and make a decision, it's gonna be made for you."

"Alright, fine. I found another vampire costume; we can both be vampires."

"Like Louis and Lestat, but without the gay subtext."

"Weren't they actually lovers in the books?"

"Man, I only saw the movie."

"Me too."

Munch got changed, then Craigen set up the backdrop for the shoot. Craigen directed Munch and Fin, whose poses got increasingly sexy. It wasn't long before Craigen said, "Now be all over each other. You want each other. Fin, get behind John, put your hands on him. Yeah. Now bite his neck. John, it hurts, but you love it, come on. Fin, come around now. The two of you are gonna kiss. Ready? Now! Kiss! Okay, that's great, guys. We're done here. Guys? Guys! You two can stop kissing now!"

Munch and Fin stopped kissing and looked around.

"Huh?"

"What?"

Craigen snapped some pictures of them looking around, disoriented. Olivia quietly saved the video she was making of them on her phone. She sent it to Stabler, who was now out on a case.

"That's it for today," Craigen said, "Go get changed and get back to work."

When it started to snow, Craigen had Valentine's Day in mind. He took the detectives to the park and "borrowed" some puppies. He put the detectives in sweaters and took photos of them holding the puppies. Munch cuddled a tiny poodle for half an hour before Craigen was even ready to shoot. A few women cooed and "aww"ed at Munch as they walked by. Munch cuddled about five different puppies and barely noticed the camera that day.

As they left the park, Craigen caught Munch and Fin holding hands and quietly snapped a few pictures.

The next weekend, Craigen gathered the detectives for the December holidays' shoot. He set up a fake fireplace and an aluminum tree in the squad room and stacked up a bunch of wrapped shoe boxes he made Kathy prepare. Since Christmas takes place during Chanukah, Craigen went to Munch to ask what kind of things he could cram into the scene.

"Don, that's cheating."

"Well, what do you want me to do?"

"I was assuming, with all the photos you were taking, that you were having multiple pictures for each week. Maybe a different picture a day."

"I was doing two; one on the top and one on the bottom."

"Well, there you go."

"I wanted to get a shot of the squad room all decked out for the holidays."

"Goddamnit, Don."

So, Craigen did a separate shot for Christmas and Chanukah. Munch had to be in the Christmas shot, and the rest of the detectives had to be in the Chanukah shot. Fair enough, everyone thought. Nobody wore a Santa hat or a _yarmulke_ , but Olivia had to put mistletoe in her hair. Nobody tried to kiss her.

For New Year's, everyone just took a group photo drinking Martinelli's. After that, Craigen just took everyone outside to play in the snow for candid shots.

Soon, the calendar was finished. Craigen came into the squad room with several boxes on the first day of December, all ready to go. He handed each of the detectives a box.

"I want you all to sell these for $20 each. El, get Kathy to help you. You can each have one for free. We'll be selling these at the station, too. If this goes well, we'll be doing it again next year."

The calendars sold pretty well. Kathy sold quite a few to her friends, Dr. Huang bought three, some collectors came in and bought some, a few badge bunnies bought a collective three boxes worth, and Craigen was not above selling them to witnesses and cleared suspects.

Cue photo montage/end credits!


End file.
